Coup De Grâce

Ants crawl up the skin,
like cancer.
A cold wind slithers down the spine,
like a snake.

Every nerve vibrates,
an earthquake of emotions,
mixed feelings,
a lie and a truth collapse.

The pillars of stability
crumble to pieces.
The weight of mistakes,
break the knees.

The poison of the priestess
drown the monologues,
a vacuum engulfs
the heart of the vagabond.

A lump in the throat,
a drizzle from the eye,
mingle with blood,
flowing like a river.

Fingers bend in regret,
echoes of the past,
come forth to the present,
with a different mask.

Kind words of a lover,
broken tongues of humans,
whispers of the night,
the blind and the helpless.

Collapse is imminent,
through cracks in the rocks,
wine flows through the crevice,
drowning what was left.

The end is near!
The end is near!
Mouthful of disappointment!
Heart full of pain!
Wither in misery!
Write in agony!
The end is near!
The end is near!

Cell

Flowing with a million,
in thousands we make our way.
Striving so hard,
just to see the light of day.

We can only move forward,
through this tunnel so dark.
No turning back now,
on this quest we must embark.

For we must reach her quickly,
even if we all must fall.
It is our sworn duty,
to break through the enemy’s wall.

Because of our inevitable sacrifice,
a few of us will make it.
Breaking through the barriers,
a new world will be created.

Aggressively, we charge forward,
the end of the tunnel is near.
To embrace victory,
but alas, we face that which we fear.

Forced out of our home,
shaken out of rest.
Spilled and vomited,
thrown out of our nest.

Why were we expelled,
murdered and mangled mercilessly?
All our hopes vanquished,
while we writhe helplessly.

All our anxieties came true,
like those who served before.
Victims to the master’s vice,
a spiteful act we all abhor.

Rancour

I’ve shed my skin a thousand times,
a million layers more to go.
Slithering through thorns is a curse,
but through this pain I must grow.

I must become stronger and faster,
for weakness is the gravest sin.
Destroying all in my path,
this dire hatred comes from within.

It never runs out,
like the cold blood in my veins.
Flowing like a boundless river,
derived from my deepest pains.

Nothing stands in my way,
except the demons I hold true,
like the fangs in my mouth,
stuck to me like a glue.

Venom courses through me,
a poison that feeds my soul.
Vicious and malign,
never under control.

So who would love a snake,
that is vile to the very core.
To suffer alone is my ordeal,
for now and evermore.

Shrine

I found a sacred temple,
under the blackness of the moon.
Perched under the eerie sky,
where only dark clouds loom.

In spite of being withered,
it exhibited unrivaled beauty and poise.
Captivated I stood there,
charmed by its unheard voice.

I was completely overwhelmed,
my heart and soul belonged to it.
Bowing in reverence,
on my knees I did submit.

I stayed devoted,
the temple now became my home.
The doors opened for me,
welcoming me to its catacombs.

I ventured in with love,
but the darkness had me blind.
Going in deeper,
not knowing what I would find.

The skeletons caught me,
tearing off my skin.
Pulling me harder,
as the walls began closing in.

This magnificent structure,
had so much I wished to see.
Though it emphasized sternly,
that it did not belong to me.

My dedication did not disperse,
like those who came and left.
Even though the body was destroyed,
my heart the temple kept.

Smog

Take me in,
like I am your redemption.
Feel my essence,
like a dark temptation.

Let me give you relief,
let me calm your soul.
Inhale my existence,
till I swallow you whole.

Let me captivate you,
give in to my obscure charm.
Fall in love with me,
hold me in your arm.

Come after me,
and sate your rabid lust.
Consume me passionately,
till I turn to dust.

Wake up every morning,
with me on your mind.
For I will elevate you,
to a high of a different kind.

Take me with you,
everywhere you go.
Deep inside you,
our bond will only grow.

I will be by your side,
for better or for worse.
I will follow you,
like a looming curse.

They will try to break us,
but don’t listen to what they say.
Just let me destroy you,
in the most beautiful way.

Cozen

Digging deep within,
there’s so much to explore.
Yet the surface seems brighter,
with its mesmerizing allure.

We pick our scabs,
but how deep do we go?
Do we relive the bad dreams,
do the voices grow?

Direction is muddled,
the hatred goes to waste.
What’s the point in labor,
if the fruit is not yours to taste?

How can you appreciate greenery,
when to barren lands you’ve never been?
How do you reject the beauty of darkness,
when blinding light is all you’ve seen?

How do you talk of peace,
without ever facing conflict?
How dare you speak of redemption,
when your thoughts you evict?

At the drop of a gown,
your ideals you reject.
A slave to your mangled desires,
your conscience writhes in neglect.

The surface is a reflection,
of all the pain you choose to hide,
to fit into these mortals’ standards,
by their rules to abide.

A tree cannot stand,
if the roots are not grounded.
A lion cannot fight,
if his body is wounded.

You cannot know light,
till you’ve seen what darkness means.
Then I’ll show you the worthlessness,
of all your petty hopes and dreams.

The depths have much to offer,
the surface is merely shallow;
full of biased discrimination,
from statues that are hollow.

Pain and hatred often guide us,
yet these emotions we choose to betray.
For the sake of comfort and happiness,
we often go astray.

The depths are never scoured,
God shuts his third eye,
as more fools kiss the surface,
becoming victims to light’s lie.

Real

There is this thing called love which is so complicated and intense that it has the power to make us forget who we are. We think we understand it but we don’t. We fail to see that it comes in different shapes and forms. We don’t recognize a mother’s love till she has been reduced to the point of death in the bargain of caring for us. We won’t see a father’s love till that coffin has been lowered so deep we can’t even see it. We won’t understand a sibling’s love till they are writhing in misery before us for some fault of our own. Who are these people to shove their love and affection on us anyway, right? It’s our inability to see it. Hence, we look for it elsewhere. We see a woman or a man who appeals to us and we chase it with such veracity that when it breaks it numbs us to the point where we are desensitized. In those deluded misconceptions, we vandalize our being and the relationships we hold with others, most importantly, ourselves.

I was one of the fools who held such a notion. I had believed love to be extraordinary. I believed in compromise and doing anything it takes to make a relationship work. I believed I loved myself and didn’t seek approval from others. If I had a penny for each time I was wrong, I’d be swimming in an ocean of pennies. I had been in love before. I had been through heartbreaks, relationships, and unrequited love and like many other fools I believed I understood what it was. I was ready for anything… till she walked in. Now, I wish I could go back and destroy each star we met under. I wish I could annihilate that full moon on the horizon before which we kissed. I wish I could set fire to those gardens and slaughter all those children at the amusement parks. I wish I could demolish every building and every hotel room we had been to together because those weren’t the same anymore. They reeked of memories, they reeked of emotions, they reeked of our lust for each other and they reeked of my incompetence to see what lay within those big dreamy eyes of hers.  All this while I thought love was about cooperation, finding a middle ground and working towards building each other because it was impossible to live without each other. I thought love meant that we belonged to each other in every sense possible, be it emotional, physical or mental. We were each other’s safety nets, support systems and the person we’d come home to in order to find refuge. If my fate was determined by drawing sticks, then I had always drawn the shorter end.

It’s always butterflies and rainbows at the start, the trees seem greener, the air is fresh, and everyone you pass by is happier than a drug addict who has found a pound of meth. Your sleep patterns change, your habits change, your behavior changes, and quite honestly, you pretty much change your life to fit into the routine of your partner. A few months down the line, you can’t even recognize yourself in the mirror. That’s what happened to me. It wasn’t all bad though. It’s never a bad thing till we stop believing it’s in our best interest. She inevitably did make things better. For one, I dumped my lousy friends. She helped me see through them. Secondly, I was a lot more confident, she helped me sort things out at work and always encouraged me to strive to become better than the person I was yesterday. She built my morale, my self-esteem and helped me reach my prime. I don’t mean to brag but somewhere I did the same for her. I loved her, supported her, held her in my arms and cared for her. I motivated her to excel, to achieve and become everything she deserved to be. I had never met anyone who was as capable as I was before or even someone who could hold a decent conversation with me apart from the regular mundane bullshit that people indulged in. We spoke about philosophy, ideology, justice, morality and so on. If anyone heard us speak, they’d think we were crazy for the similar sense of brutality we shared.

I’ve come across so many people who I thought would settle down and it’s crazy how a few months down the line I found them at the end of a gun with a bullet shot through their heart like a fallen angel rejected by God for being different. They didn’t literally kill themselves albeit they died the moment their feelings were ripped out of their chest and used like a tissue paper to wipe the filth off someone else’s ass. That’s what it felt like when she decided to step over all our efforts, our hardships, the dedication, the emotions we poured into this and stomp my heart before walking out that door. Why do people walk out of something good? Was it good to begin with? What were their expectations? What did they want? What did they deserve? Were you good enough for them? What did you do wrong? You are pressed beneath an avalanche of questions which have no answers and you look for them in other people. We had been together for years and for years I devoted my time and attention. I didn’t know for how long she had been doing this and I don’t think I was keen on finding out how many guys she had been with while we were still with each other. I don’t even know where I was heading with all of this before my suspicions turned to reality before me in the candid picture I have of that moment in my mind where this other random guy was on top of her thrusting his genitals in what was supposed to be my fiancée.

I walked out. No one deserves a second chance. Let’s face it, a football team doesn’t get a second chance after they’ve lost a game, beggars on the streets don’t get a second chance after some drunk asshole runs over one of their limbs, a man whose throat has been slit by his own brother doesn’t get a second chance to live and I didn’t see any reason why she should get a second chance. They’re still there, probably in shock or relief, I wasn’t certain. She knew what this meant. I came to the realization that love is not eternal. Love is not infallible. It has its flaws. It can be bought, it can be sold, it can be won over, it can be created and it can be destroyed just as easily. It wasn’t absolute as much as it was obsolete for me now. As I looked over the edge of this building, my vertigo compelled me to fall backwards. Her betrayal made me think of all the times I had rejected the love others had shown me only because I was looking for something more. How foolish had I been? My father died providing for me. My mother slaved trying to make my life comfortable and what did I do for them in return? I never even considered the sacrifices my siblings made to keep me happy because I was the youngest, moreover, because I had turned into a selfish wretch who sought happiness in others. If only I had learned to love myself, if only I loved them as much as I loved her, I wouldn’t be this hurt. I should have paid heed to their warnings, but I didn’t.

I leaned over the edge one more time, and dissected this thing called love. I gained my composure. Love made no sense anymore. I needed something more concrete, something absolute, something solid but there was no such thing. Everything in this world could be argued upon, everything could be questioned and everything could be bent and broken at will, irrespective of whether they were feelings, emotions, ideologies, justice, morality or even virtues. Everything was subjective, nothing was real… nothing was real… that’s where I got my answer. I climbed over the edge. Even though there is no truth, lies, morals, loyalties, faith, hope and most importantly, even though there is no love, there is one thing that is certain. There is one thing which is absolute and it is the thing you could bet your life on. That one thing is the reason I took a step forward. I knew I was letting everyone down, but I didn’t care at all. They can take this deluded world, their hypocrisy, their ideals, their relationships and all of their love and shove it deep inside the place they held sacred because none of that mattered to me now. I was on the way to absolution. I was on my way to redemption. Seconds before I hit the bottom I saw, nothing is actually real.

Aftermath

Go back to the wolves,
let them tear you to pieces.
Your self-indulgence thinks,
they’re the ones on leashes.

You fail to see me,
and willfully squander,
while thoughts thick with rage,
through my conscience wander.

There is only so much I can walk,
through this miasma of misery.
Pondering over the futility,
of how things have come to be.

These crossroads weren’t meant for us,
victims to coincidence’s charm.
We fail to see the future,
and abate the things that harm.

Silence speaks for itself,
like tombstones that mark graves,
for tongues of men are bought and sold,
we are nothing but desire’s slaves.

Only remember me,
when the wolves leave you sore and sick,
for I’ll chase you like a dog,
because those wounds are mine to lick.

Even the governing powers wonder,
why must I take this path?
It’s solely because the night is darkest,
in the storm’s aftermath.

Origin

It was out of my reach,
slipping farther away,
with the last nail on the coffin,
there wasn’t much to say.

If I said something sooner,
or if I had taken a stand,
things would be different,
and not lines in the sand.

If things were normal,
I wonder how I’d grow.
Would you play with me,
and teach me how to throw?

Would you sit by my bed,
and tell me a story?
When I’d come home late,
would you worry?

Would you slap me,
if I was drunk?
Does it even matter?
This ship’s sunk.

For there was no one,
to show me right from wrong.
I was lost all the time,
not knowing where I belong.

So I followed your footsteps,
down that empty road,
right behind the bottle,
and the illusions it showed.

Darkness was your gift to me,
a blessing I embraced.
Crawling into the shadows,
where my feelings were erased.

I reached unfathomable depths,
that no one had before.
With this insatiable ambition,
to new heights I would soar.

But would you be proud,
or bow your head in shame?
Would you deem me victor or villain?
For me, it’s all the same.

Maybe I didn’t care,
even pretending is such a lie.
If only I wasn’t so cold,
you wouldn’t have to die.

Lambent

From somewhere deep in darkness,
where demons chose to hide.
I saw the cracks in light,
the paradigms that divide.

The light was too bright,
blinding all who saw.
Unable to see right from wrong,
victims to their flaw.

They failed to question,
following like grazing sheep,
the tongues of broken men,
who walked slowly in their sleep.

Somnambulant and vicious,
prying on the will of the weak.
Promising them Eden,
in exchange for being meek.

Painting a portrait of God,
angels in all their glory.
Fallacies and factual lies,
forged a delusional story.

The cracks widened,
the light itself was turning black.
Yet they failed to introspect,
and find the things they lack.

I watched them crawl,
and disappear into the gap.
Their conscience faded slowly,
like a baby in a mother’s lap.

Darkness consumed the light,
men became the demons they loathe.
Bowing before their lifeless idols,
bloodshed became their oath.

I watched them fall,
trying to inhale redemption’s breath.
They yearned for paradise,
but all they found was death.