I was walking back home on a chilly winter morning. I had woken up with this immense, overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair. Maybe it was just the weather. It was cold and the clouds seemed darker than usual. With every year that passed, the clouds kept getting darker and darker. Maybe I was still brooding over my fight with Amanda although it was so long ago. I saw an old man sitting on a bench. He looked tired. Before I could even smile and greet him, he asked me to assist him. He had forgotten where he lived but had an address written on a piece of paper. Along the way we engaged in deep conversation. Much to my surprise, he could read me like a book. Soon enough, we had reached the address mentioned on that little piece of paper. It was a nice house or at least looked pretty good from the outside. He invited me to come in and have a drink with him. I couldn’t refuse that man’s warm gesture so I accepted. I reckoned I could use a drink or two.
I followed him in. It wasn’t a bad place at all. I noticed that no one was around. It felt like I had been here before. Perhaps my house was just as quiet as this one.
“Do you live here all by yourself, old man?” I asked.
“Yea… I do now. I wasn’t always alone though…” he said as he moved his hand over a dusty shelf to pick up a bottle of scotch.
“You prefer scotch too?” I asked.
“On days as cold as this, yea I do. I’ve always loved scotch!” he said with a smile as he kept two glasses on the table.
As we continued our conversation, I couldn’t help but notice that we had a lot in common. We liked scotch. We liked bacon and both of us lived alone with only our furniture and portraits to keep us company.
“Do you have a woman, lad? Are you married or something?” the old man asked as he swallowed his peg.
“I was with this woman”, I replied, “but then she left me. I’m still in love with her and I’m still trying but she won’t come back no matter how hard I try. We had this terrible argument and I know I should have apologized before it was too late but now she won’t listen to me.”
“You know son,” he said, “I’ve lived through countless horrors in my life. I mean I saw it all. I lived through war, you know, where you take a gun, running through the battlefield… shooting round after round with things and comrades blowing up around you. It was terrible. All you know is that there is an enemy and you got to take him down. You’re putting your life at risk. There is no guarantee whether you will survive or die.” He swallowed another peg. “Yet… I found dealing with war a lot easier than dealing with love.”
“Why do you say that?” I asked keen on knowing what his thoughts were.
“I had a wife… she was beautiful. She was a gem of a person too. When she walked in a crowd, you could see her from miles away, that’s how much she stood out. The first time I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the one. You could drown in her deep eyes. When I married her, I was the happiest guy in town. She brought light into this dull house. When she was around, it would seem so lively. We would fight but I’d do my best to make it up to her. Although I was hesitant, I had to kick the ego back a bit and apologize. Hell! When you love someone, you love someone! You can’t do a damn thing about it!” He swallowed another peg.
“T-That’s true.” I said with half a smile. I was thinking about my own relationship. I could understand what the old man was trying to say. “What happened then?” I asked inquisitively.
“We were still young. She had a job, I had a job. This one day, we had a huge argument. I totally blew the lid. We yelled as loudly as we both could and we left for work with that bad mood still lingering in the air. We came home; we didn’t eat dinner together that night. We didn’t sleep together that night. The same thing happened the next day. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I thought when she’d come home from work, I’d surprise her. I bought her favorite cake, wine and flowers. I waited patiently. It was late. I still waited patiently. Then…” he paused, “I got a call from an unknown number,” a single tear rolled down his cheek, “The person on the other end said that my wife had died in an accident on the road. She didn’t make it alive. They couldn’t save her… she had left this world and she left me. I wasn’t even with her in the hospital. I didn’t get to hold her one last time. I didn’t even get a chance to apologize to her. If I had only said something sooner, this would have never happened…”
I listened silently as the drop of tear rolled down his chin.
“I never married again. I just couldn’t bring myself to. I missed the sound of her voice. I missed the smell of her hair. I missed her warm touch. I missed everything about her. I had no children. I had no wife. I ended up living alone. Loneliness became my friend. The dark corners of this house became my comfort. I was all alone. I didn’t mind the loneliness. I knew anyways that she was the only one I truly loved and I only wanted to spend my life with her. I just wished I had the chance to meet her once more and apologize… that’s all… I just wanted to hear her say that she forgives me and loves me but I never got that luxury…”
I looked at him. I had nothing to say. He had grown so old, all alone. His wrinkles were a testament to his lonely broken spirit. His eyes were hollow, empty and blank, so much so that they even failed to show a single shred of emotion. Only his memories kept him going and he was losing them as he aged further. I felt sorry for him. Maybe I should hurry up and apologize to Amanda before it is too late for me too. I could not live such a bitter existence where I’d wake up each day knowing I screwed up… where I knew I could have made a difference but rather I just let things get worse. My heart began racing. I had to meet her now! I just had to rush by her side and tell her how much I love her! I was getting up to leave.
The old man stood up, without saying a word he walked towards the humongous mirror in the passageway. He wiped his eyes. As he stared at the mirror, I could only see my reflection staring back at me. I remembered everything. It was already too late.
The Void Of Nothingness 